This is a story that i wrote recently. Please tell me what i did good and what i can improve as a writer. Thanks!
The Fatality of Foxwater
There used to be a large town in Montana. That's where it all started. The town was named Foxwater. I don't know why, but it doesn't really matter anyway.
Foxwater was a beautiful summer vacation spot, what with the kayaking, hiking, white-water rafting, etc. etc. etc. But the town itself was fairly small. It had a small suburban area, a shopping plaza, and an industrial area. Plus, at the edge of town, there was a huge blood bank. Now this wasn't your average blood bank. It was owned and operated by a man named Cecil R. Pennbow. Cecil was a strange character. If anything, he was frightening. But it wasn't his appearance that was scary, it was his reputation. He was tried on court for torture and murder. Even though he was found innocent due to lack of evidence, locals kept their distance. Lucky for Cecil, tourists came year-round supplying him with the blood, business, and money he needed. The blood bank itself was strange too. Instead of storage closets filled with vials of blood, Cecil had a warehouse filled with giant containers that almost reached the ceiling. One day, Cecil looked pale, the next day he was paler, and the next day, he was as white as a ghost, but then the next day, Cecil's color restored to normal and he had a mischievous grin on his face.
The homicide division of the FWPD was busy one morning as the Lieutenant debriefed the detectives. "Alright listen up everyone!" Lieutenant Koufax yelled. "We got a case about a missing woman by the name of Angela Lopez. The report was filed by her husband Jorge. Apparently she hasn't come home in days." "This is Homicide! Not Hide-N-Seek! Give us some action!" One detective called out. Koufax yelled back, "Shut up, Tommy!" Tommy quickly sat down. "Yes, Mr. Koufax." "Look, I realize this isn't a homicide case but the chief is tired of us sitting around all day doing nothing. The only murder case in this town was the Pennbow Murder. And he was innocent. We just have to face the facts that this town is very safe. Now who'll do it?" Koufax asked the officers. After a few moments of silence and a few whispers, a detective stood up. "I'll do it. Got nothing better to do." Cory Holts said. The Lieutenant replied, "Alright sounds good. Tommy!" Detective Tommy Perosa looked up. "You're going with him!" "Aww, do I have to? I like sitting around, getting paid for nothing!" Tommy whined. "Maybe next time you'll think twice about questioning your commanding officer!" Lt. Koufax scolded.
After receiving the extra details Holts and Perosa headed towards one of the squad cars. "Hey, would you mind driving? I want to go over the woman's Bio." Cory asked. Not waiting for an answer, Cory got on the passenger side and read out the details to himself.
Name: Angela Lopez
D.O.B: September 9, 1965
Occupation: Secretary
Place of Work: Foxwater Blood Bank
Address: 3214 Opal St. Foxwater Montana, 53277
Phone: 353-752-0051
Nationality: Latino
Cory thought to himself, "Cecil Pennbow! Maybe he has something to do with this!" He quickly repeated this thought to his partner. Perosa scoffed. "The guy was innocent. Leave him alone. It's probably just a coincidence" When the duo got to the bank, they immediately went to Cecil's office. "Umm, can I help you officers?" A teenage girl wearing a striped shirt chewing a stick of gum greeted them at the desk. "Too young to work at a huge blood bank like this." Cory thought. "You don't actually work actually work here do you?" Perosa asked the girl. "Great minds think alike I guess." Cory thought. "Uh, no I don't, cuz like, um, daddy wanted me to like, help him out at like, work today because, like his secretary took the day off or something. Well that's what he like, told me anyway." She explained between smacks of her gum. "Do you like, want me to go get him?" she asked. "Yes. Please, ma'am." The detective said impatiently. "OK, I'll be like, right back with my dad." She said. About a minute later, the girl returned with Cecil Pennbow. He was a skinny man wearing a 40s style suit and slacks, with fading orange hair and a car salesman's huge toothy grin. Cory could tell he was very pale and nervous about something. "Hello! Welcome to the Foxwater Blood Bank! We make it quick and painless! Can I help you? Would you like to donate blood? You police officers are so sweet, please come in and sit on the bed and I'll be with you in a moment!" Cecil said, rather quickly. "We make it quick and painless?! Suspiiiiiciousss..." Tommy whispered to Cory, being ever so discreet. As the owner started to walk away, Tommy grabbed his shoulder. "Uh, that won't be necessary sir. We actually have a few questions for you, if you wouldn't mind." Cecil started to protest but Cory cut him off. "Sir, with all due respect, could you please shut the hell up and listen to my partner here?" Cecil started to sputter. "Uh, but, you, donate, blood, uh, um..." Cory shot him a look and Cecil sighed, and gave up his hopeless protest. "Fine. What do you want?" "We would like to ask about the disappearance of Angela Lopez." Cory said, reading off of the notes. "Do you have any idea of where she is?" The teenage girl spoke up. "Um, I like, already told you. She like, took the day off or something. Gawd. People never listen to me." "Olivia, please could you give me and the police some time alone? This doesn't concern you." Pennbow said to his daughter, kindly but firmly. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, thought twice, gave her father an evil look, and left. "Alright, what about Angela now?" Cecil asked. "Do you have any idea where she is?" Perosa asked. Cecil's eyes darted back and forth. "Err, she called in sick. Said something about a terrible headache." Holts and Perosa exchanged looks before Cory said something. "Don't lie to us right off the bat Mr. Pennbow. It's all here in the file. She was reported missing by her husband this morning. Do you want me to take you in for lying to an officer of the law?!" Cory said loudly. Cecil gulped. "Last time I saw her, she was checking the blood containers for some reason! I don't know why." It was quiet for a long time before Tommy spoke. "Listen, we may not have many leads yet, but we're keeping an eye on you." Just then the businessman gave Cory a mischievous smile, it was only a split-second, but Cory was sure of what he just saw. Cecil Pennbow had just winked at him. Tommy probably didn't see it, but Cory did. That piece of scum winked at him. Cory was sure Cecil had something to do with Angela's disappearance. And nothing could change his mind.
On the drive back to the station, Cory decided to tell Tommy what Cecil did. "I know Cecil is behind Angela's disappearance." "Cory. Listen to yourself for once. Your opinion on this guy is totally biased. So what if he was tried for murder? He was innocent! You hear? I-N-O-C-E-N-T! So that will be the end of that until we have a lead." Tommy said, irritated. Cory chuckled. "OK, one, innocent is spelled with two N's, not one, and two, I do have a lead." "OK, what's your freakin' lead, please tell me! I wanna know! I truly do!" Tommy said, with loads of fake enthusiasm. "Don't be mean. I'm serious. I saw him wink at me." Cory said, dead serious. Tommy scoffed. "He winked at you? That's it? You're gonna go out on a WINK? Are you sure he wasn't coming on to you?" "No I'm positive. It was more like he was challenging me. I've been a detective for a year. I know a little bit about faces." Cory boasted. "One year? That's nothing! There's a guy in Vice, I don't know his name, but he's been a detective for fifty years. He can literally read a person's mind just by looking at their face. It's a forty-nine year difference. Just because you were promoted twice in one year does not mean you're the best there is, so get off your high horse, Cory. There are people who deserve it a little more than you." Tommy said, happy to knock down Holt's subtle ego a few pegs. Cory, who was crushed said nothing, he knew when he had been beaten. It was silent all the way to the station.
For the next couple of days nothing really happened. Some crazy idiot who had dunked his upper body in flour ran around Main Street pushing tourists over had to be taken care of. But that was it.
Thirteen days had gone by when they got a new lead on the 'Angela Lopez' case. Holts had just came into the Homicide room just as Lt. Koufax started to debrief everyone. "Alright everyone settle down! Settle down! Perosa, Holts! There's been another disappearance from the blood bank! This time it was an Aaron Lamb. Since you two covered the last disappearance, you get this one as well! Now get to it." Holts went and received the Bio and walked toward the squad car. "Can you drive again? I want to look at this." Holts said, not really asking. Perosa started to protest, but he saw that Cory was already in the passenger side; he sighed and imagined driving Cory off a cliff. While Tommy was leaving the parking lot, Cory read Aaron's Bio.
Name: Aaron T. Lamb
D.O.B: December 10, 1987
Occupation: Sanitation Worker
Place of Work: Foxwater Blood Bank
Address: 9158 Scallop Road, Foxwater, Montana 53277
Phone: 353-960-1374
Nationality: Caucasian/ White
"Hey Tommy, look at this. This guy also works at the blood bank." Cory said, showing Tommy the document. "Coincidence. I won't believe a thing you tell me until we get there." Tommy said keeping his eyes on the road. "That's what you said last time." Cory was irritated by his partner's lack of faith in him. "Why are you so eager to protect this loser anyway? Can't you remember what he looked like last time? Did you see how pale and shaky he was? Did you not hear his stuttering? Don't you think he's hiding SOMETHING from us?!" Tommy was getting irritated as well. "I have my reasons, OK!? God, you're stubborn!" It was silent for a minute or two. "You know, I'm started to think you have something to do with this." Cory said, in a dangerously calm low voice. Cory looked at how purple with rage Tommy's face was and realized what he had just said and realized he had gone too far. Instead of yelling back, Tommy just kept driving. When they pulled into the parking lot, Tommy, got out of the car, walked to the passenger side, and opened the door for Cory, when he saw that Cory was completely out of the car, Tommy punched him the eye. Hard. "Don't you ever, ever, EVER accuse me of being criminal, not you, not anybody! Tommy said, as serious as he could possibly be. Cory was genuinely threatened. "Yeah, I'm sorry." He made a mental note never to make Detective Tommy Perosa mad again.
Having seeing Holts and Perosa pull up from his office window, Cecil Pennbow grabbed a few things and put them in his coat pocket and greeted the detectives in the waiting room. "Hello again, officers! I've done roll call every morning and no one has gone missing since Angela did! So there can be only one reason you're here! You are so generous. If you will please follow me?" "I'm sorry, but we aren't here to donate blood. We're here to follow up on Angela Lopez." Cory said, rubbing his bruised eye. "She has yet to come back. Maybe she quit and forgot to fill out a resignation form. Ho hum. Well if that's all I must ask you to leave. I have a business to run and cannot be bothered." Cecil said, as he tried to motion them to leave. Cory sighed. "Listen, pal! Angela was reported missing two weeks ago! There's a good chance that she is DEAD! You hear me, DEAD! This is absolutely no time for games Mr. Pennbow! Now you're going to close your so called 'business' and you're going to sit down and cooperate! Capiche!?" Cory yelled. "Eep! Yes sir, whatever you want. Just don't hurt me!" Cecil whimpered. Tommy noticed Cecil was clutching his pocket like he was trying to grab something. Tommy also noticed a glint of sunlight coming off of an object in Cecil's office. He tried to focus on what he was looking at. "That looks almost like... oh my god." Tommy whispered to himself. He turned to whisper to Cory. "Holts, we have to get out of here right now." "Not now, I've never seen someone so scared of me, if I can keep this up, he might confess to being behind the disappearance of Angela and Aaron, and maybe a bunch of other things!" Cory whispered back. Tommy replied. "No, you don't understand! Cecil, he has a-" "I'm sorry gentleman, would you like me to leave?" Cecil said, a hint of fear still in his voice. Before Tommy could even open his mouth, Cory said, "No that's alright. We're done talking." "OK. Good. If you'll excuse me, I must use the lavatory." Cecil said as he walked away.
"Now what were you trying to tell me that was so important?" Cory said, annoyed. "The man had a gun! He was clutching it in his pocket for God's sake! How could you not see it?" Tommy said sharply. Cory rolled his eyes. "Oh, I doubt it. It could have been anything." "Well I don't care what you think; I saw a box of bullets in his office. If you won't come, at least keep watch." Tommy said as he walked to the office.
As he entered the office, he looked Cecil's desk. He stopped breathing as his fears came to life. A half-empty box of bullets lay on the desk. As he investigated the office, more and more evidence piled up. A note that said, "'Meeting' with Angie at 10:00", A gun case, Another note that said "DO AWAY WITH AARON. HE SAW IT. SIGNED, Al." Tommy looked at the note with interest and confusion. "Who's Al?" Tommy quickly made copies of the notes and left the office. "By the time Cecil came back into the waiting room, Perosa and Holts were gone.
Cecil sighed and went back to his office. Things were not where he had left them. He muttered under his breath, reached for the phone, changed his mind, and sat silently, thinking. He reached for his phone and dialed in the numbers, 353-752-0051. After about a minute of ringing, someone answered.
"OK, look at all this stuff I found. Cory, I'm sorry for ever doubting you, Pennbow's tied into this. There's no doubt in my mind." Tommy groveled as he passed his sketch pad to Cory. Cory chuckled. "You're a great artist." "Shut up. I was in a hurry." Tommy replied. Cory turned serious all of a sudden. "So what do you think Cecil has to do with this?" "From what I read, he's not the mastermind behind this. He seems to be doing the dirty work. I think he killed Aaron. That's what the note implied." Tommy explained. "I say we arrest him before he kills anymore people." Cory sighed. "I wish we could. But that's against some stupid warrant law. Damn government." "Sigh, well can't we just take him in or something?" Tommy said. "We have quite a bit of evidence." Cory thought for a moment. "You know what? We do. Let's go pay our friend Cecil a visit."
Around 10:00 PM (They agreed on that time to see if the note was meant for that night.), Cory picked Tommy up in a squad car. "Annie, get my gun!" Tommy yelled to his wife. After she got it for him, they kissed and said their goodbyes. Tommy got into the car and away they went.
As Cory drove to the Blood Bank, no words were shared among the two. None were necessary, for they had called each other numerous times earlier that evening. It was a scary thing. Knowing that they were putting their lives at risk. Knowing that they might soon face a homicidal maniac. Knowing that they may never leave the Blood Bank. Everything was at risk on this one. Everything.
Tommy kept checking his gun for bullets while Cory kept switching lanes, thinking about turning back, but he always switched back before he got too close to a U-Turn or an exit.
As they pulled up to the Blood Bank, both Holts and Perosa sighed and exited the car, cocking their guns. Cory saw two other cars in the parking lot. One was a white Toyota Prius, and the other was a red Ford F-150. "Hey, Tommy, look. Two other people are here." Cory whispered. Tommy shuddered, knowing now that they were in danger for sure. "Crap."
As they walked to the main entrance, they saw two dark figures. One of them was dragging a large burlap sack behind him. "Good God." Cory gasped. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, Cory and Tommy saw the two figures more clearly. One was male, the other female. The male was carrying the sack. They seemed to be arguing. Eventually, they stopped arguing and the male stormed off into a room. The female seemed to be sighing and she soon followed him.
Tommy signaled for Cory to open the door. He reluctantly agreed. Cory reached his hand up to the door handle and jiggled it. He tried again. Locked. "It's locked." Cory said. Tommy thought for a second and stood up, though still crouching a bit. "OK, I'm going to kick the doors open." Cory almost yelled then caught himself. "You IDIOT! That's a friggin glass door! You're gonna break the glass, they're gonna come back and kill! Great thinking, partner!" "Just because you're a heartless piece of crap with no feelings doesn't mean that I don't have them either." Tommy said dryly. "I'm sorry; I got a paper clip, maybe I can pick the lock." Cory said, pulling the metal object from his coat pocket. After a while of jamming and turning, Cory was able to pick the lock. "So where do you learn to do that?" Tommy asked cautiously. Cory rolled his eyes. "You never know when it might come in handy. And from the way you're looking at me like that, no, I'm not a crime boss. Sheesh." "It is a very useful skill. Nice job, Mr. Soprano." Tommy joked. Cory cursed under his breath and opened the door, very slowly and quietly.
"See? Wasn't that so much easier than breaking the door down? Now we can spy!" Cory said. Tommy refused to meet Cory's eyes. "Yippee." When they went into the waiting room, Tommy started to search around the office and the waiting room. Cory stopped him. "What? I'm searching for clues!" Tommy protested. "Oh, good. I thought you were searching the Crystal Skull. No, we spy first, if they really are bad guys, we catch them, AND then we search for further evidence for those skeptical idiots who think they were innocent. Besides, I have a voice recorder in my pocket. I want it to be used." Cory explained. "That makes sense." Tommy shrugged as he walked toward the door the people entered. "Tell me when you turn the recorder on." Cory started fiddling with the little machine. "OK, in three, two..." Tommy sighed. "C'mon Cory, before my badge expires!" "Now!" Cory said, pointing at the door.
Tommy slowly opened the door as Cory had. It was the entrance to the blood storage warehouse. The figures were much clearer now. "That looks like Cecil Pennbow." Cory said, squinting. "Yeah, it's definitely Cecil. I know that suit anywhere." Tommy agreed. "But who's the woman?" Cory shushed him. "Shush!" Cecil and the woman were continuing their argument. "Listen, I did what you told me to do! I didn't realize there was a specific way you wanted me to kill him!" Cecil yelled at the woman. "You shot the fool and you didn't clean up the blood! The police are on to us!" The woman yelled back. "I took the body with me!" Cecil whined. The woman pointed at him, "But you didn't clean up the GODDAMNED BLOOD! You own a blood bank for God's sake! I mean, ugh! Geez, Cecil! You're an idiot sometimes." Cecil tried to stay calm. "Listen, I'm tired of bringing my daughter out of school to work for your lazy, psychotic ass, and I'm tired of wasting my employees!" "All right! Confession number one! Cecil's screwed!" Tommy did a small fist pump. Cory sighed. You remind me of a child sometimes." With that, the detectives kept watching. "You knew what Brian saw! You said you respected what I had to do! I told you because I know you've killed somebody before too! Lemme tell you something, you were a lot better at it back then." The woman tried to persuade Cecil. "I understand what you had to do, but I don't understand why you went psycho and told me to kill my own employees, and the time I killed that guy, it was an ACCIDENT! I wanted to turn myself in, but I chickened out. Somehow I was proven innocent. I deserve to be in jail, and you do too!" Cecil accused. "I don't care anymore. I AM going to turn myself in, I'm a terrible person. This isn't worth it. Angela, come turn yourself in with me. Something's happened to us. Come on." Cecil pleaded. Angela laughed out loud. "Hell no! I will never turn myself in! I'd rather die than let the police get me. "I'll see you in hell then." Cecil heaved the sack in a container and walked away. Angela pulled out a pistol, pointed it at Cecil, and pulled the trigger. Cecil let out a short gasp and fell to the ground, dead. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll see me soon enough." Angela said coolly. She started to heave Cecil's body into a container.
After sitting in shock for a few seconds, Cory took charge. "OK, listen. This is probably our only chance to take Angela in so here's the plan. You will hide behind one of the cars and I'll follow her to her car. Once she's close enough, you pop out from behind the car, do the whole 'Freeze' thing, and when she turns around to run, I'll be right behind her. She'll quickly see she has no chance, and she'll give up. Easy." Tommy admired the plan but then thought for a second. "Wait, there were two cars out there. Which one?" Cory saw Angela walking toward the exit. "No time! Guess! Good luck partner." Tommy stuttered as Cory ran toward the woman and took cover behind a container. He sighed and walked to the front entrance, taking almost no time to think, Tommy took cover behind the truck.
Cory saw Tommy choose the truck. As Angela walked out of the building, she turned toward the truck. "Nice pick, Tommy." Cory thought to himself. Angela walked toward her car and saw someone crouching against her truck occasionally peeking over. As if he was waiting for someone. Then it hit her, she was being spied on. Cory saw Tommy's back as well. "Tommy you idiot! Wrong side!" But before he could do anything, Angela tapped on Tommy's shoulder, as he turned around, Angela shot him.
A loud bang shot through the lot. Cory heard a gasp as Tommy slumped to the ground. He couldn't tell if was alive or dead, nor where he was shot. As much as Cory tried to move, breathe, or do anything at all, he couldn't. He could just stand there. Looking at his fallen partner.
Angela saw Cory out of the corner of her eyes and smiled. She got in her truck and backed up, luckily avoiding Tommy's body. She pointed the huge vehicle at Cory. She backed up even more, all the way to the parking lot. He saw the woman smile evilly behind the wheel as she slammed the gas. She had forgot about Tommy and accidentally ran over his body. The large bump sent the truck swerving out of control. It quickly changed directions and slammed into an oak tree. Cory just stood there. Unable to comprehend how his perfect plan just blew up in front of him. He called for assistance on his radio and ignored Angela. He knew she was either unconscious or dead. But either way, he wanted someone else to deal with her. He instead ran toward Tommy. He didn't to check Tommy's pulse. He didn't know if he could take it yet.
One Day Later
It was 5:00 PM. Cory Holts was laying in bed. That's all he'd done since he got the call from the coroner earlier that morning. He'd got the news he'd feared. His one-time partner, Tommy Perosa was indeed, dead. The funeral was tomorrow, though Cory didn't want to go. He didn't want to go anywhere. He was never best friends with Tommy before. In fact, there had been almost no words shared between the two before the case. But it wasn't friendship that made Cory depressed, or who knows, maybe it was. But it was the fact that Cory had let Tommy down. He had let a living, breathing person, die, and Cory couldn't help but feel responsible. No matter how he looked at it, he always ended up blaming himself. Amidst his thinking, the phone rang. He checked his phone to see that it was his mother. "Probably just checking to see if I'm alright." He thought as he ignored the call. He just decided he didn't care anymore. He decided he wouldn't do anything anymore.
The Day of Tommy's Funeral (The Next Day)
It was two hours before the funeral when Cory got another phone call. There wasn't any caller ID though. For some reason, Cory answered. "Hello?" "Yes, hello. Is this Cory Holts?" The voice asked. "Who is this?" Cory was suspicious. "This is Anne Perosa. I'm... was Thomas's wife. Are you coming to the funeral?" Anne asked. Cory sighed, "No, probably not." Anne was enraged. "Wait?! What do you mean, 'I'm not coming'!? You have to come!" Cory was startled. "Listen, I just, I just can't come, OK? Goodbye now." As Cory started to hang up the phone, Anne started to talk again. "But Thomas wanted you to speak at the funeral." "Really? He didn't even like me. We got stuck on a case together, that's it." Cory explained. "He sure liked you, as a friend of course. Sometimes he would just ramble on how dedicated you are to your job and whatnot. He considered you a friend, Cory. You have to come." Cory's thoughts raced. In truth, Cory was always kind of a nerd. Always focused on his work, no one had ever wanted to be his friend, and here Tommy was, thinking of Cory as a friend. Cory quickly hung up the phone. He took a shower and got dressed, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth, and combed his hair. After all, he didn't have time to talk, he had to pay one last visit to his only friend.
Olivia Pennbow was placed in an orphanage for a short time, when her boyfriend heard the news, he convinced his parents to let Olivia live with him and his parents. Five years later, they got married.
Angela Lopez was sentenced eleven life sentences in maximum security for the murder of three people.
Anne Perosa got a job as a Police Secretary as a way to stay close to her husband.
Aaron Lamb was found in the burlap bag. Unfortunately, he was dead. He is now buried in the Foxwater Cemetery.
Thomas Perosa and Cecil Pennbow are happily dead.
Cory Holts quickly got over his depression, and was promoted to head of Homicide, replacing Lt. Koufax, (who retired to the Cayman Islands.) he was given the only drop of blood spilled on the floors of the Foxwater Blood Bank. He is still an officer and plans to be until the day he dies.
Spider-Man defeated Vemon and saved the world yet again.
THE END